Happy Mother’s Day: Donuts and fat pants required

May 12, 2013 by 1 Comment

I’m not very good at Mother’s Day.  I have never found it to be particularly enjoyable or relaxing.  I never have been able to chose specifically what I would want to do or what I would like to receive as gifts.  My persistent indecision combined with being the mother of infants and preschoolers (until recently) made Mother’s day just like any other day. Cute homemade cards, a kiss from the husband and my favorite chocolate has always made up the day in the past.  Simple, sweet and nothing too special.

Homemade Mother's Day Cards

This year when my family approached me with the question “What would do you want to do for Mothers day?”, I was prepared.  I really don’t know.  I did know that I did not want anymore homemade handprint cards from my children.  They are sweet but I have become a jaded mom that is no longer sentimental about my children’s handprints. That is the go to craft or gift for everyone ranging from school/church to immediate family members. I can log my children’s monthly growth from the amount of handprint crafts that come home. I’m done with their mitts….in a nice way.

This morning, Mothers Day, I was amazed at how well the men in my family know me.  I was allowed to sleep in late and awoke to Starbucks, chocolate, gourmet sparkling water and two homemade cards from my children featuring the Arnold Schwarzenegger version of me in the staring role.  Not a handprint in sight.  Once I “opened” my gifts my husband went off and bought fresh donuts and a cup of coffee.  I love donuts.  I’m not the kind of woman that pretends to be healthy and eats donuts secretly on the side.  The rest of the day has been conveniently unscheduled.  My husband even complemented me in my sweats and ratty tank top.

I’m pretty impressed with the outcome of this Mother’s Day.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted but my family has figured out that fattening food, coffee, and fats pants are the best way to show they care.  I’m all for it! I can’t wait for next year.

Here’s to your Mother’s Day. I hope it is filled with rest, relaxation, donuts and fat pants! Enjoy!

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Earth Day huh? What? When?

April 23, 2013 by 4 Comments

I love the Earth. I’m all about green and trying lessen my carbon footprint or imprint and whatever that really means, but this year Earth day was a blip on my screen. Similarly to Valentines day, it has become so commercialized that I really don’t care.

So what was my salute to Earth day 2013? Nothing.  I did nothing out of the ordinary.

I did not use paper plates but did use paper napkins.  I recycled them though. I did not up-cycle them to crafts that my children would want to hang somewhere in the house.

I hung up my laundry on a line dryer. Just the same as I did the day before and the day before that. I did not line dry our underwear.  Your welcome neighbors.

I pulled weeds instead of weed spray.  Your welcome soil and bank account. I did not want to waste the green paper in my wallet. That’s my kind of recycling, the money kind.

I did not drive to the store to get said weed spray. Saved the ozone.

If my example of celebrating Earth day has not inspired you enough and you are still in need of some Earth loving ideas follow these:

Impress your friends and neighbors and jump on that garden band wagon.

Amazingly, these are from my backyard.  Bell Pepper and Cilantro. I put the seeds in the dirt and watered. I have plants.

Line Dry your clothes.  Just consider it Vintage Laundry.

Still searching for ideas? Check Pinterest. There are people that up-cycle, recycle and can whatever they get their hands on.

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Humiliation should be a four letter word

April 10, 2013 by 3 Comments

I have been a mother for eight years or 416 weeks.  I believe that I have been humiliated by my children at least once in each of those weeks.  That is 416 embarrassing moments.  If you multiply it by two it jumps to 832 cherished memories that my boys have created and now make me wonder, why did I want to have children?

My boys, like so many others, are innocent little bugger brains that most the time don’t understand what is flying out of their mouths.  They point out EVERYTHING.  Piercings, tattoos, height, hair color etc.  What many adults can ignore today, little kids stand there with their mouths open and fingers pointing. I know that if my children aren’t asking, pointing, or staring at someone in a store then their probably devising some scheme that in the end will cause me some manner of severe humiliation.

Here are a few choice selections that will remain with me forever.

Farting.  They find farting in public extremely funny. They both seem to wait until we are in a store with a LOT of people in the surrounding area and let one rip.  It doesn’t matter if the sound is there but the smell would kill a skunk in a matter of seconds. Their instant reaction is “EWW.  WHO FARTED? Mom?!” I have already explained to them that mom’s don’t fart. Ever. However, that doesn’t stop strangers staring at me.

Toilet paper pants.  In their younger years when one person needed to use the potty in a public place it was a family event.  We all went and took turns.  This time my two were being so rowdy in the bathroom I had to go with lightning speed.  I pulled up my pants and went back shopping.  Giggles were happening behind me for about thirty minutes and finally a sweet woman in the produce department took the time to tell me that a toilet seat cover was hanging from the back of my pants.   My children not only neglected to tell me but were pretending I had a potty cape.

Size matters to a five year old. In the past week my five year old has been on a roll pointing out the differences in people.  He’s small, big, hairy etc.  I always respond with the “God makes everyone different and it’s not nice to point etc.” This last week a fairly short man (with lots of tattoos wearing camouflage)  was standing directly in front of us and my kid pipes up “That Daddy man is really short!”  That Daddy man whipped his head around so fast that I smiled grabbed my son and said something brilliant like “Ha ha…Ya, we don’t need to return this. I think this broken game is exactly what we need.”

They say the darnedest things…to your in-laws.  Last year my in-laws came into town for a few days to visit and help watch the boys while my husband had some outpatient surgery.  My father in-law plops down on the couch next to my youngest and starts chatting.  My son, without skipping a beat, looks at him and states “Your teeth look weird. Are my teeth going to look like that?”. I was in the kitchen and dropped what I was doing and cried out his name.  Luckily my father in-law laughed it off in good humor but honestly child!

My boys have continued this pattern of humiliation at such a steady pace that I don’t believe that this is a phase they will out grow.  Hopefully, they will develop a filter and keep some thoughts too themselves but when I look into my future I see pranks.  Public pranks, embarrassing pranks that my boys will think are hilarious.  Me, not so much.

Just remember children of mine, revenge is not a five letter word it is actually spelled G.r.a.n.d.m.a.

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Adventures in Pinterest

March 16, 2013 by 10 Comments

I have posted about my adventures with Pinterest projects in the past and they average about 50/50 in the success and failure rate.  Each time I have one that is an enormous success and people are raving about my brilliance, I have another that is miserable and almost too humiliating to report.

In the last month I had three separate projects and the stats stayed true to form.  One success, one failure and one right in between.

Failure:

I love art projects with my kids. I really enjoy trying new mediums and process to create.  I ran across the Impressionism Crayon Art all done with an Iron.

Ours did not come out as pretty…. We broke our crayons into tiny pieces

and created pretty abstract-ish designs

applied the newspaper

and after I ironed..(but first the crayon “juice” was EVERYWHERE)

We tried to fix it.  We melted individual crayons for the drop effect.

Now we are sending it to the Grandparents.  They can’t say no to little children “artwork”, it’s illegal.

Success: Homemade Fabric Softener Ball

 Jill over at One Good Thing has an incredibly easy DIY for homemade dryer balls.

Easy and it works.  These are my balls. (insert immature joke here)

Success mixed with Failure: Boys bathroom scrub

Boys bathrooms stink.  This is truth.  No matter how much scrubbing and bleach will fully rid the bathroom of the stench.  It will smell clean for awhile but soon afterwards the smell returns.

I found a recipe for a homemade cleaner (baking soda and lemon) juice that was supposed to get rid of the smell.  The failure is the consistency.

You are supposed to make a paste and apply it to the floor and surround areas of the toilet region.  The paste is crusty.  Not really a paste…

It was horribly hard to apply and afterwords there was no scrubbing. It looked like this. Crummy.  I had to vacuum up the stuff and scrub again.  However, the smell hasn’t returned in over 4 days so…. smell success?

Projects with pinterest are adventures.  Sometimes you get exactly what you want and other times you are left scratching you head thinking….Seriously?

Filed Under: Crafts, DIY, Humor, Kid Crafts Tagged With: , , ,

Homemade body scrub smells like this?

February 15, 2013 by 2 Comments

Pinterest is heavy with DIY projects that are affordable, cute and organic.  Bloggers and crafters alike flock to the site to post their ingenious recipe for some all natural homemade crap that is sure to make your friends envious and make you look brilliant   These are all great in theory but what happens when the project goes south? What if it stinks and no amount of Photoshop editing is going to convince you otherwise.

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Old smelly junk reformed

February 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Growing up I firmly believed my mother was a hoarder.  A hoarder of anything old and had that “old” smell.  She had boxes, bags, and closets of items that were aged and smelly.  Occasionally she would stumble across such a treasure and proclaim loudly “One day this will be yours.”

Marvelous. One day all this old smelly junk will be mine.  I was thrilled as you can clearly imagine.  I was in college and was leaning more towards the always popular Christmas lights and hanging Indian blanket theme. I believe at one point I not only had the lights and Indian blanket but I trump myself and added mattresses on the floor complemented by a cinder block bookshelf.  I was livin’ the dream.  The Urban Outfitters wanna be dream.

I eventually learned that sleeping on the floor and cinder block bookshelves are not cool and do not impress your friends.  It merely proves you are as poor as they are.  After a few years of poor college life, I got married and found my mother “gifting” me with my dowry.  Rooms and boxes full of “one day this will be yours” items clutter my living room.  I didn’t realize that my inheritance needn’t wait until she was dead but rather moving states.

Guilt comes easily to my side of the family. So when my husband requested, demanded and begged me to throw out my newly bestowed treasure, I couldn’t do it. I felt too guilty. I saw my Great Grandmother and Great Aunt cursing me from their graves because I thought about donating their crocheted afghans and delicate doilies.

Today, I am glad I did not give in to newlywed peer pressure. I adore vintage and all things old. I have pulled out my smelly treasures and now proudly display them.

I love the history that is attached to each item. The quilt that hangs out of the wire basket was made by my Great Grandmother and the suitcase was used by her as well.  History makes everything better and more distinctive

One day, I will find out that she probably made that quilt to spite her husband and hated that suitcase and wanted something more modern. Either way, thanks Great Grandma (Momo) for making my room look great!  No cursing from you now!

 

 

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Homeschooling moms are genetically enhanced

February 1, 2013 by 2 Comments

Mothers that homeschool are genetically enhanced. That is the only solution as to how they can handle being a mother and teacher to the same kid.

I recently began homeschooling my seven year old.  I figured it was going to be difficult and stressful at times but as a whole I had visions of sunshine days, flowers and my children and I working together in harmony.  And why shouldn’t I??? I found great curriculum, wonderful books and veteran homeschooling moms on Pinterest. Veteran homeschoolers that make this crap look easy.

We are on month five almost six and this homeschooling stuff is freaking RIDICULOUSLY hard, or at least it is for me. I strongly believe that the homeschool children have it easy.  The moms are the ones that are working themselves mad. We have to organize the work, make sure it is engaging, appropriate and challenging.  Then once you are done challenging them, guess what, they DON’T LEAVE.  That student, once school is over, simply gets up and heads into the living room whether you want him to or not!  He lives there.  The teacher role is over and Mother now takes control. No Union breaks here.

I am not sure what is in the enhancement drugs that give veteran homeschooling moms their level of patience, ability to craft on a dime, or organize like a pro. I do know I need a good strong dose.  My patience, as my bright seven year old debates the worth of writing an a story about soccer, is limited at best.  I believe at one point I shouted “Just write it!”  A real teacher or veteran homeschool mom probably would have smiled sweetly and complemented him on his debate skills and pulled out the study manual for the Bar exam.  You know, the manual that she has skilled-fully filed away in her homemade bookshelf with crafty crayon holders hot glued to the side.

If you browse Pinterest or Google homeschooling tips, rooms, moms, you will find dozens of websites that will not only show you how to create a school room from 15 cents but also make you feel incredibly inadequate with your own kitchen table/crayon box work station.  The station that I am currently writing from. I am just going to consider it my super handy multi-use workstation. Not only is our homeschooling station a school table but it also doubles as an art table AND kitchen table.

I am not saying homeschooling and the people that have chosen to do it are wrong.  No, they are flipping amazing.  There is no other way to describe it.  An individual that has decided to teach their child no matter the cost to their sanity or budget deserves a medal.  Especially if said child goes to an IVY league school. If a homeschooled child attends an IVY league school their mother deserves a Nobel Prize and 2 million dollar or if that child moves on to celebrity status the mother should be complemented in every speech and taken to every red carpet event..EVER.

I won’t get the prize. My kid is probably going back to school next year.  I like him too much to keep him home.

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Top Five Reasons to participate in Black Friday

November 26, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I took part in the insanity that is Black Friday.

I was not thrilled with the stores that were open extremely early.

I contemplated a picket line at Kmart or Sears but then I realized that other people may join me and I didn’t want to be THAT guy.

So I participated

And

While standing in the lines and watching mothers go nuts over a half priced toy or crock pot

I thought about the:

Top Five Reasons TO participate in Black Friday

5. You make a new best friend.

You bond over a toy and like Survivor you make a pact. You agree to help one another get that item but you both know in the end there is NO pact and you have no problem stepping over them in the stampede to the register. 

4. You start to appreciate heat and bathrooms in a whole new way.

If you have camped out in front of or in a store for any amount of time then you realize that your spot is more important than hypothermia or wetting your pants. 

3. Date Night.

That’s right.  Go without your kids and you have got yourself a date. An ALL NIGHT  DATE.  Just don’t let your new best friend interrupt your bonding time and don’t make out.  That’s weird.

2.  People watching

You see some of the damnedest things at Black Friday.  Your new best friend may be missing a few teeth and that lady four people back has tattoos on her face. Although, it’s not so funny when SHE has YOUR crock pot!  Hunger Games is about to come alive at your neighborhood Wal-mart.

1. Stuff at good prices.

I guess you can get some things at half their regular price and I guess you can save some money but it is nothing to the social networking that you have accomplished at the 5 different stores you have stood in line at.  And NO ONE noticed your pee pants…They have them too. They understand. 

Now….

I did get a few choice items half priced.

I did stand in line at 5 different stores.

I did spend most of the evening with my REAL best friend who has all her teeth and  then with my husband.

I did not make a pact. I don’t do pacts. I am the ultimate Survivor.

I did get a crock pot.

Boo YA.

 

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Dog gone wild

October 8, 2012 by Leave a Comment

This is an old dog.

An entitled dog.

A dog that thinks too highly of herself.

A dog with an ugly mole.

This is a BAD dog and she is our dog….

Meet Bleu

Our history with Bleu goes back before the children.  She has been a participant in all major milestones in our lives.  She was our first “baby” and suffered through my husband’s and I rocky dating relationship.  She was there during our break up, reconciliation and later marriage.  She was there when we brought home our first child to which she sniffed, sighed and promptly walked away with the understanding that her place as baby was forever lost.

We have always loved Bleu and have understood that she has a secret life when we leave the house. We never questioned it and allowed her to have her time to “express” herself in whatever dog like fashion she chose. (She is spayed so there is no expressing herself with any male companionship.)  It wasn’t until we got our new couch that I began questioning her actions.  We would come home from a quick errand and the pillows were everywhere.  Hair was EVERYWHERE. Nothing was destroyed but why was the room a wreck?

My husband had an idea.  It was brilliant….tape the dog while we are out. Record her actions.

I did. I’ve watched and now I know. It’s like my own reality show except I am the only person in the world that has found it fascinating, until now. I have the raw footage of one of her couch sessions.

The original video was much more alarming however the disc conveniently broke before I could transfer the video to my hard drive.

I have tried to show her the video but she pretends she doesn’t understand.

Oh she gets it….

She is smirking under all that dog fur. She is just waiting for the next time so she can have a tap dance on my ottoman.

Bad Dog.

 

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