I have been a mother for eight years or 416 weeks.  I believe that I have been humiliated by my children at least once in each of those weeks.  That is 416 embarrassing moments.  If you multiply it by two it jumps to 832 cherished memories that my boys have created and now make me wonder, why did I want to have children?

My boys, like so many others, are innocent little bugger brains that most the time don’t understand what is flying out of their mouths.  They point out EVERYTHING.  Piercings, tattoos, height, hair color etc.  What many adults can ignore today, little kids stand there with their mouths open and fingers pointing. I know that if my children aren’t asking, pointing, or staring at someone in a store then their probably devising some scheme that in the end will cause me some manner of severe humiliation.

Here are a few choice selections that will remain with me forever.

Farting.  They find farting in public extremely funny. They both seem to wait until we are in a store with a LOT of people in the surrounding area and let one rip.  It doesn’t matter if the sound is there but the smell would kill a skunk in a matter of seconds. Their instant reaction is “EWW.  WHO FARTED? Mom?!” I have already explained to them that mom’s don’t fart. Ever. However, that doesn’t stop strangers staring at me.

Toilet paper pants.  In their younger years when one person needed to use the potty in a public place it was a family event.  We all went and took turns.  This time my two were being so rowdy in the bathroom I had to go with lightning speed.  I pulled up my pants and went back shopping.  Giggles were happening behind me for about thirty minutes and finally a sweet woman in the produce department took the time to tell me that a toilet seat cover was hanging from the back of my pants.   My children not only neglected to tell me but were pretending I had a potty cape.

Size matters to a five year old. In the past week my five year old has been on a roll pointing out the differences in people.  He’s small, big, hairy etc.  I always respond with the “God makes everyone different and it’s not nice to point etc.” This last week a fairly short man (with lots of tattoos wearing camouflage)  was standing directly in front of us and my kid pipes up “That Daddy man is really short!”  That Daddy man whipped his head around so fast that I smiled grabbed my son and said something brilliant like “Ha ha…Ya, we don’t need to return this. I think this broken game is exactly what we need.”

They say the darnedest things…to your in-laws.  Last year my in-laws came into town for a few days to visit and help watch the boys while my husband had some outpatient surgery.  My father in-law plops down on the couch next to my youngest and starts chatting.  My son, without skipping a beat, looks at him and states “Your teeth look weird. Are my teeth going to look like that?”. I was in the kitchen and dropped what I was doing and cried out his name.  Luckily my father in-law laughed it off in good humor but honestly child!

My boys have continued this pattern of humiliation at such a steady pace that I don’t believe that this is a phase they will out grow.  Hopefully, they will develop a filter and keep some thoughts too themselves but when I look into my future I see pranks.  Public pranks, embarrassing pranks that my boys will think are hilarious.  Me, not so much.

Just remember children of mine, revenge is not a five letter word it is actually spelled G.r.a.n.d.m.a.

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